Enjoyed a great lunch with my friends at the Braddock Rotary yesterday at Jodi B.’s Restaurant on Aardmore Blvd. They all said I should be a stand-up comic. Then they bought a bunch of books. And my lunch was free! Please get in touch if you think your group would enjoy hearing my stories.

Here’s the pitch letter I send to big shot event planners in the hopes they’ll pay me thousands of dollars to address their associates. And they’d better throw in a free lunch, too!

Let me know what you think of it …

Dear So ’n’ So

I wish I could present to you gaudy credentials about my trips into orbit, my ballpark heroics or the medical certificates that prove I’ve found the cure for something itchy. But that would be fraud. So I come to you instead with an honest admission:

I’m the author/speaker with the heart of a pound puppy and the brain of a free-range chicken.

Just like you!

We’re both inquisitive, generous, bright, playful, creative — and we’re both joyfully committed to ensuring every single attendee at your next meeting departs brimming with renewed enthusiasm for coming to work and getting things done.

I’m the Latrobe, PA, author of six books, including ones on my screwball friendship with Arnold Palmer, the defiant kindness of Fred Rogers and how colorful living can brighten the whole world. I will energize your every meeting with the uproarious, true and inspiring stories of everyday humans being human every day.

Colorful Living Tip No. 991: “Open an art gallery with nothing on the walls. Then invite people to enter and be greeted by 40 guys who say nothing but, “Hi! I’m Art!”

I can deliver rousing presentations on boss legends, the follies of parenthood, workplace morale, womb-to-tomb life perspective — all wrapped in anecdotes brimming with humor and heart. I hope you’ll get in touch about how we together can make your next meeting your best meeting.

Thoughts?

Our youngest daughter, Lucy passed her driver’s test this week so today’s theme is … Drive

Blog post of the week … “The Perils of Parallel Parking”

• Sure, George Washington was an inspirational leader and visionary for revolutionary liberty but I'll bet he can't drive like I can.

• Bad news: plastic waste clogging the oceans. Good news: Airfare to Europe will plummet as money-minded tourists increasingly opt to drive.

• Time doesn't fly. It drives a Maserati, drunk, down the Autobahn with a brick strapped to the accelerator.

• The stores we used to call "convenience" marts are now built with drive-thru windows to spare us the inconvenience of having to leave our vehicles to enter the convenience mart. Should we still be calling them convenience marts or has that become anachronistic?

• Guaranteed some enterprising DUI lawyer right now working on defense claiming self-driving car was drunk & occupant was mere drinking buddy.

• Considered leaving my piece of crap jalopy unlocked because only thing of value in it is stack of free beer chips from various Latrobe clubs and taverns. Decided against it when I realized how sad I'll be if they're taken. #LockHerUp!

• I’d take high road more often but I always get hassled by cops whenever they see a car as crappy as mine in nice neighborhoods.

• What percentage of worshippers who spent up to 10 hours waiting to hear Pope Francis will instigate road rage incident on the way home?

• I’ve become so trusting of small town values the only time I lock my car is when my keys are in there and I'm not.

• People convicted of road rage offenses should be sentenced to master and when possible go from here to there via tap dance.

Randoms …

• I’m still wrestling with the idea of having to earn a living. Being born entitled me to living and, by God, I intend to truly live.

• I have to imagine a country named Togo has really great take-out food.

• Unforeseen climate change consequence is polar bears will soon need row boats. It's going to be toughest on row boat salespeople.

• If I were in charge of adding automatronic Trump at Disney Hall ofPresidents, I'd have him admiring size of own hands during Lincoln speech

I welcome your donations. Please consider supporting me with some tangible appreciation (PayPal, Venmo, 874 Solomon Temple Rd., Latrobe, Pa, 15650).

"Use All The Crayons!"

"Crayons!" ... Drive