Oakmont, Fathers & other topics

Randoms reign

Format? What Format? I missed last week so I thought I’d take four topical subjects and find ones that fit.

I hope no one’s upset. I don’t see any uprisings if I shake things up a bit.

It’s a newsletter, but I don’t think anyone checks this out so he or she can follow the news more closely. I think folks like it for what it is: a breezy little distractions from a guy who spends most of his life staring out a window and thinking.

I thought a lot about our trans-phobics. Our daughters told me they wanted to watch “Ant Man.” But I heard “Aunt/Man.” it had me wondering if there is a trans-sequel called “Uncle/ Woman.”

I never claimed my thoughts were useful …

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Oakmont and the U.S. Open are a big deal

• I remember interviewing Arnold Palmer the day before we had secured tee times at Oakmont Country Club. We were very excited. I asked Mr.Palmer if he had any suggestions on how I could get a good score that day. He said, “I suggest you play someplace else.”

• It was the 2007 U.S. Open at Oakmont and the stranger and I had both had the same idea. We were both certain Tiger Woods was going to secure an historic victory (Tiger would win his last of three U.S. Opens in 2008). So there we were, the only two guys in the bleacher at 6 a.m. as close to the No. 1 tee as possible. We wouldn’t see Tiger for 3 hours. He said he’d driven 17-hours from Denver to get where we were. He confessed he was a golf nut and said he’d only been golfing just seven months. Then he said what to me is the greatest line anyone’s ever said about golf:

“The first time I golfed was the most fun I had at something I was so bad at as the night I lost my virginity.”

• You’ll be hearing a lot about Bob Ford this weekend. He’s the semi-retired former pro at Oakmont and prestigious Seminole. That’s right. His reputation is so stellar that two of the best job opportunities in the world — places that had their pick of professional golf pros — agreed to share Ford. He’s so classy that when he was all but certain to break Arnold Palmer’s course record at Latrobe CC, he picked up his ball to disqualifying himself and walked into the clubhouse, He DQed himself as he was on his way to one of his greatest rounds ever. All out of respect for Arnold Palmer. I’ve told him If I ever get to write a book about him, the first line is going to read, “Bpb Ford is so cool he acts like he doesn’t even know he’s Bob Ford.”

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RECENTS

• Some people see Bruce Springsteen and wonder if he’s a treasonous scoundrel intent on impeding America’s will. Others see him and wonder if he’s the essential patriot America needs at what they perceive is America’s darkest hour. I see Bruce Springsteen and wonder how long it’s been since he felt compelled to set out a tip jar.

• How appalling to bitter trans-phobics must it be to live in a Wisconsin town named Sheboygan and will the final straw for them be when scorched-Earth politics cause shrill liberals to rename the scenic coastal town She(her/hers)boy(him/he)gan.

• It’s high time we re-define the meaning of the word “demean;” which now means to ridicule, mock or diminish. With the addition of the handy hyphen, it should mean the exact opposite. To de-mean should mean to strip a nasty person of their meanness. Example: “After the intervention, she agreed to let three friends demean her and they were so thorough even her husband agreed to take her back.”

• My appreciation for those who write notes that can be described as heartfelt does nothing to diminish my affections for those who have what we must assume are felt hearts. #WeLoveTheMuppets!

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FATHERS

• My father died in ’04; mom in ’17. Their memories flicker fainter each year for our daughters, 22 and 16. It’s a pity. I wish on their tough days they could recollect how the faces of these two people lit up when they saw their beloved grandkids — and stayed brilliantly illuminated whenever they were blessed to be in their presence. I wish I had a pill — just one pill — that would restore all our memories. Not of childhood, but of infancy, when our every expression, sound or gesture provoked pure delight. The pill would remind us of what perfect love, security and hopefulness feels like. One pill. One dose. I’d prescribe it to America.

• Something expert Egyptologists are reluctant to admit: Most mummies were daddies.

• Daughter, 10, admits she was 3 before she realized my first name wasn't "Daddy." What did she think of all the other kids calling their fathers Daddy? “Copycats!”

• Fuddy-Daddy: A male parent who wishes, goldarnit, TVs would go back to just 13 channels, that phones were still phone-shaped and that his adult kids still looked up to him the way they did when he was 32 and they were 4.

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