"Use All The Crayons!" ... Legal System
I’m going to make this fast because I need to be in court at 11 p.m. to address charges that include lewd behavior, trespass, resisting arrest and wanton nudity.
Incredibly to you, I’m sure, the charges were not filed against me and I’m going to testify about the nudist.
I don’t think it’s within the realm of the charges but the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth is, eh, not my type.
My type doesn’t show up in my yard half naked on a Tuesday afternoon, shouting profane conspiracy theories about aliens, police cover-ups, and she doesn’t draw three squad cars and five state troopers to the front yard to restrain her for the ambulance ride to, one hopes, either sobriety or conventional mental health.
She was clearly high or in the midst of some breakdown — right there in our front yard.
Our 17-year-old daughter was there, too, and saw the whole thing. I told her to take a good long gawk and understand one day, probably not that long ago, the half-naked woman ranting about fake police was just like her. Maybe looking forward to her Homecoming or prom.
I doubt she ever imagined she’d have a day like this.
It was quite a spectacle.
So today I have to testify about the fracas.
I’ll probably write about it sometime soon.
Until then, today’s theme is …
LEGAL SYSTEM!
• Your life will be more fun if you don't judge new friends on their virtues, but instead on their potential as compatible cellmates.
• What would happen to the criminal justice system if it was declared that from now on a "jury of our peers" was comprised entirely of the cheerful lunatics drawn from "The Price Is Right" studio audience?
• I’m going to spend the rest of the day concocting a story about an unscrupulous masseuse who was arrested for armed rubbery.
• Ryan Lochte would get off easy if judged by a jury of pee'ers. Situation still fluid.
• Divorce rates will plunge when judges have discretion to make especially egregious husbands take maiden names of their ex-wives.
• New prisons are the only structures that require occupants break in before they can break out.
• How ironic is it that New Hampshire felons must make license plates that read LIVE FREE OR DIE while imprisoned?
• Given publishing trends, I can envision a day when angry judges bent on bestowing severe punishment will throw the Nook at miscreants.
• I’d like to see a sensational trial where a Samsonite exec is accused of killing her boyfriend, a VP at Away luggage, just to hear crime pundits say, "There's still a lot to unpack, but I think we're looking at a real open 'n' shut case here.”
• Yes, I'm aware that Sing Sing is a maximum security prison that incarcerates many of New York's most vicious cut throats, but every time I hear Sing Sing I convince myself that Sing Sing is populated entirely by wrongly convicted Muppets.
Randoms …
• When the going gets tough, the tough get going! And when the tough get going, I usually say, “Bye, bye tough! Been nice knowin’ ya!”
• Someone asked what's the longest I've ever gone without blogging. I said that would be from 1963-2008.
• News reports say smart communication devices top in-demand prison contraband. Now that’s what you call a cell phone.
• I promise to never vicariously describe any endeavor as a cake walk until I can say I’ve walked on cakes.
• I don't flirt with disaster. I slip something in its drink, say "Cheers!" and shove my tongue down its throat.
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