"Use All The Crayons!" newsletter No. 33

Foot surgery tomorrow!

(Toe) Breaking News!

I’ve spent the last year trying to walk like a man who looks like he’s still capable of walking like a man. Tuesday at noon I’m taking a step that I hope will make that easier. And I hope, at long last, the step won’t involve a pitiful limp. Having a limp is like being in a rock band when the drummer is in rehab. The band’s out of synch, they look tentative and Get-The-Led-Out songs that start out like “Stairway To Heaven” eventually wind up sounding like “Yesterday Once More,” by the Carpenters. I’m having foot surgery!

(Full story below)

Today’s theme: Foot

Colorful Living Tip of the Day …

• Remember what Leonardo da Vinci said: “The  human foot is a masterpiece of engineering and a work of art.” Given the scope of his admirations it’s surprising his most famous work is Mona Lisa and not Mona Lisa’s feet.

Related …

• Appreciate how shoes are our most human-like accessory. Like us, they have tongues, eyes, heels, toes — if they had souls instead of soles they’d be equals.

• Try and figure why man, the only animal who spends 80 percent of its time either on its back or its butt,  also became the only animal to spend billions each year on footwear.

• Remember: A gym beam requires steady footwork. A Jim Beam isn't nearly as fussy.

• Realize that until something drastic happens, flying commercial will always make you feel like a foot feels when it’s getting shoved into a bowling shoe.

• Emphasize to friends that the snack would taste and look different, but would take on a whole different connotation if they were spelled “FreeToes.”

• Understand podiatrists with empty appointment calendars are light on their feet.

• Am becoming nervous about upcoming toe surgery. Told podiatrist I was getting cold feet. He said, "I can fix that," and billed me another $1,500.

Zeitgust Word of the Week (a word I made up with the goal of getting it into a dictionary) …

Global Warming SCOPEtics: People who are not only skeptics of climate change, but also believe we can still consume fossil fuels at an alarming rate and things will still turn out all green and minty fresh.

Mine is the coolest office on Earth …

It was a long time ago, but I still recall being a promising young writer and hearing a wise mentor say, "Kid, you're really going to go places." Some 40 years later, the only place I ever go is The Tin Lizzy. I wonder if that's what he meant. It is quite a place.

Oddly enough (stories from my story treasure chest) …

“Doc to pay $500,000 for colonoscopy banter” (from ’15) …”

I was disappointed a northern Virginia jury awarded a colonoscopy patient $500,000 after he heard derogatory banter he’d inadvertently recorded during the operation. The amount should have been more. And he should have had to pay it!

Studies have shown work place morale improves when employees are free to blow off steam through irreverent comments about stressful work conditions. It’s true with air traffic controllers, highway construction workers and with coal miners who go into deep dark holes to excavate essential fossil fuels. Why should it be any different for the only men and women who go into deeper, darker holes than our fearless miners?

(Read full story here ...)

Mark your calendars: Sirius XM radio, Road Dog Trucker, is having me back on April 10 to tell my Latrobe/Arnold Palmer stories. Here’s the audio from my Feb. 27 visit.

(Toe) Breaking News conclusion

I’m having foot surgery to discipline my unruly big left toe. As the link below details, I suspect the instigating injury was caused by — I swear — a misandrystic masseuse 

Misandry, by the way, is a word for people who hate men. I had to look it up. I never knew the word existed. To be honest (and egotistical to boot!), I was surprised to learn anyone could hate men.

I mean, I’m a men!

My instinct is to just hack the now-useless appendage right off. But it’s a slippery slope when you start listing all the useless appendages you should start hacking off your typical man.

I wouldn’t want the question put before, say, 12 angry misandrysists

Now, a jury of my peers might be different. Heck, I’d settle for a jury of my pee’ers.

The procedure I’ll be undergoing will involve fusing the bones of the big toe to the rest of the teammates and then 6-to-8 weeks of me fighting to not get hooked on the painkillers that so many others find so addictive.

It’s going to be a tough fight. I’m surprised I’m not on drugs every time I look at my bank account.

It sure would explain a lot.

But I don’t see that happening. And even if it does, foot surgery will leave me in a much better position to kick the habit.

Related …

Spa Boner Etiquette & My Big Toe Operation

Concluding words …

The average person takes between 8,000- and 10,000 steps a day. That adds up to 115,000 miles in a lifetime — four  times the circumference of the globe. Question: if for one day we all together walked toward the rising sun, could we reverse time?

All Chris’s books can be purchased through www.ChrisRodell.com

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