"Use All The Crayons!" newsletter no. 33

Today's theme ... "Easter: The Sacred & The Secular"

Today’s theme: Easter: The Sacred & The Secular

Colorful Living Tip of the Day …

• Tell people you’re sure He was a perfectly competent carpenter, but you think Jesus missed His calling. He’d have been one hell of a bartender. 


Crucifixion …

• It’s a triumph of Biblical marketing that the day known for the savage beating and bloody crucifixion of the holy man many of us consider to be our Savior is called "Good" Friday. I wonder what Jesus calls it.

• I remain surprised some creative hand sanitizer company hasn't used an image of Pontius Pilot as a celebrity spokesperson.

• Wonder aloud if the Bethlehem bullies ever taunted Jesus with the old “So you think you’re better than me?” line.

• I wonder if the men who nailed Jesus to the cross felt any sense of irony that they were doing it to a carpenter.


Resurrection …

• Spend part of Easter Sunday trying to  figure out what God says when Jesus sneezes. 

• Jesus walked on water. Ask the faithful if they think when He returns He’ll this time opt for a spiffy new Sea-Doo.

• We hear lots about Jesus as the Son of God. I wonder about Uncle Jesus. Wouldn't it have been cool to say Jesus was your Uncle?

• How unsettling will it be to your faith if Jesus returns Sunday, but he's wearing one of those HAZ-MAT suits?


Secular Easter

• Every Easter, try to enjoy at least one Cadbury egg, the delicious seasonal chocolate treat with cream filling. Then tell people if chickens ever start laying Cadbury eggs you’ll drop everything to become a chicken farmer. 

• How come I can eat 50 regular Peeps in one sitting, but the thought of sitting down to eat a steak-sized Peep turns my stomach?

• Contend how surprising it is that a musical genre that calls itself hip hop doesn’t have a memorable song about the Easter Bunny.


Zeitgust Word of the Week (a word I made up with the goal of getting it into a dictionary) …

Slomosexual: A person who devotes his or her life to the self-proclaimed virtues of public heterosexuality before finally coming to grips with their true sexual identity.


Today’s featured blog post …

“The Easter Mom nearly choked to death on body of Christ (from ’17) …”

On this weekend of deaths and resurrections, I’d like to talk about the one that got away. Jesus lives! And so does my Mom! Last Easter, for the latter the matter seemed in doubt. It was a moment I’ll never forget. She nearly died the most perfect Christian death. And I was right there rooting for it. Praying, actually. Many will think me callous, sacrilegious, heartless, blah, blah, blah. But she’s my 84-year-old mother. I’m her primary caretaker.

(read the full story here)

Related …

On Easter, let’s resurrect the name Judas

Isn’t it time we resurrected another Carpenter (Karen)?


Oddly enough (stories from my story treasure chest) …

“I know Victoria’s Secret! The time I went in to try on ladies lingerie (from ’12) …”

I was strolling through the local mall yesterday and found myself feeling an odd sort of nostalgia for a heterosexual man like myself. It was in front of Victoria’s Secret, a store I haven’t set foot in about 12 years. I thought, “I wonder if they’ve redecorated the dressing rooms since when I was in there pretending I was a transvestite.” I don’t know why I haven’t written about this before, but I was once tagged to do wacky field reports for one of the Pittsburgh morning radio giggle shows.

(Read full story here ...)


Mark your calendars: Sirius XM radio, Road Dog Trucker radio is having me back on April 10 to tell my Latrobe/Arnold Palmer stories. Here’s the audio from my Feb. 27 visit.


Concluding words (I) …

Which seems sillier: a child believing in the Easter Bunny or a grown-up believing that Jesus Christ, a man whose ancestors were uniformly Middle Easterners, was a lily white dude. And would it hurt your faith if scholars revealed Jesus looked more like bin Laden than Ryan Seacrest?


Concluding Words (II)

Happy Easter & God Bless, my friends!

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