"Use All The Crayons!" newsletter no. 36

Today's theme ... "Health"

Today’s theme: Health

New blog post …

“Godfather” & the importance of health to happiness. Or not

It is my understanding that in some convalescent settings, many of the faithful turn to prayer. Me, I turned to Hyman Roth. Roth was the wise Jewish gangster who in “Godfather II” memorably counsels young Michael Corleone on relationships, trust and how dessert cake can be used to demonstrate equality in Third World plunder distribution. And, an enfeebled old man, Roth expounds on the benefits of good health. “Good health is the most important thing,” he says gravely. “More than success, more than money, more than power.” Really?

(Read full story here)

Colorful Living Tip of the Day …

• Treat your body like it’s a cherished employee and you’re striving for “Boss of the Year” stature. Encourage it to sleep in. Listen to its complaints. Discourage it from stressful activity. Pamper it. Be sure to treat your significant other the same way every once in a while.

Related …

•The word quarantine refers to a period of time spent in isolation to determine healthfulness. It has been in use since the 15th century. The word Qur'antine refers to a period of isolation spent converting to Islam. It's been in use for about a minute.

• Haven’t had so much as a cold in years. I'd say I was healthy as a horse if I could verify horses have hangovers.

• Health tip: The fewer the ingredients, the better/healthier the food. For instance, apples are made entirely of apple.

• I encourage everyone to wear masks because they'll reduce the spread of germs that make people sick. Next, we'll encourage many of you to wear muzzles because they'll reduce the spread of your obnoxious opinions that make people sick.

• It’ll be beneficial to both your healthfulness and disposition if you eat meals at places where food is prepared, rather than merely assembled.

Related (sick) …

• Tell friends you unearthed a little-known regulation in government health care that requires ER docs mimic Billy Joel when they tell patients they’ve had a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack.

• Greatest drag on US productivity could be reversed if docs said they were just jokin' when they said male masturbation was a health benefit.

• I hate it when I fake a mild cold to get out of some petty obligation and people look and me and say, "Yeah, you look terrible! I'll call 911. There's something really wrong with you. You oughta be quarantined! Medic! Medic!" Makes me sick.

• I used to pretend I was too sick to go to school. Now, I pretend I'm not hungover nights after I swore to wife I wouldn't drink too much.

Zeitgust Word of the Week (a word I made up with the goal of getting it into a dictionary) …

Pompomposity: The act of being exuberantly aggressive and cheerleading others to say they think you’re great, too!!!

(Un)related Mormon reference …

• With your typical polygamist, it's the more the marry-her.

Related blog post …

“My aversion to big ass needles” (from ’14)

The unbidden gusher of tears came squirting out of my face the instant the dermatologist stuck the needle into the soft skin one half inch below my left eye. I felt an instantaneous wooziness that usually takes about three hours, two cigars and a half a bottle of bourbon to acquire more organically. I’d gone to the doctor to have a small growth removed. I’d had it removed once before in 2009. It grew back. If friends said they didn’t notice it, I think they were just being polite. My 8-year-old, an unflinching accountant of fatherly flaws, enjoys pressing it when I’m laying down until I say, “Doooot!

(Full story here)

Oddly enough …

“World’s Most Dangerous Job”

Think your job sucks? Rejoice you weren’t an 18th Century Church Bell Ringer: To this day, many Medieval church bells are inscribed with the Latin phrase, "Fulgura frango," ("I break the lightning"). Had they been particular about accuracy back then, bells might have been scrawled with the Latin words for "Pray for my singed soul." Hapless bell ringers were routinely ordered to the ropes to ring the bells whenever storms rolled into town in the mistaken belief that the racket from the ringing would drive lightning away. Today we know that lightning strikes the dominant structures like church steeples, a fact learned centuries too late for 103 bell ringers who were killed during a 3 year period when 386 church bells were struck. Ignorants used to believe the ringing of the bells dispersed evil spirits; "enlightened" folks erroneously believed that ringing church bells broke the continuity of lightning.

Concluding words …

• Time, it is said with admiring wonder, can heal all wounds, a statement that seems to bestow time with god-like powers. Oh, yeah? I'd like to see time fix a busted watch.

All Chris’s books can be purchased through www.ChrisRodell.com

Today’s topic was “Health.” Do you feel better than you did before you started? That ought to be worth $5? $10? $20? More? Please consider supporting me with some tangible appreciation (PayPal, Venmo, 874 Solomon Temple Rd., Latrobe, Pa, 15650).

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