"Use All The Crayons!" newsletter No. 93

Today's Theme ... "Cars & Traffic"

Reader of the Week honors go to Russell W. (Greensburg), for presenting me with a pile of SWAG, just some of which is pictured, and for buying 15 crayon- signed and personalized “Use All The Crayons!” to give as gifts to colorful friends. Thanks, Russ!

• Zeitgust Word of the Week (a word I made up with the goal of getting it into an actual dictionary) …

Ernie Borgten: What we’ve all been looking ever since July 8, 2012, when great actor Ernie Borgnine, 92, succumbed to his  mortal absolutes.

Cars & Traffic

• Confide to people you’d take the high road more often but you always get hassled by cops whenever they see a car as crappy as yours in the nice neighborhoods.

• If you were following yourself in a car how many times a day would you give yourself the finger?

• Spend a warm spring afternoon planting tree saplings scattered along vacant land you pass every day on your way to work. Enjoy monitoring their growth during traffic jams.

• People convicted of road rage offenses should be sentenced to master and when possible go from here to there via tap dance.

• I’ve become so trusting of small town values the only time I lock my car is when my keys are in there and I'm not.

• The idea of car pooling the kids to swim practice strikes me as redundant, but maybe I'm just too literal.

• There will still be traffic in heaven, but there will be no more road rage.

• People who say revenge is a dish best served cold fail to realize if revenge had a drive-thru traffic would be lined up for miles.

Randoms …

• I wonder if Pope Benedict is sitting in some bar watching saturation coverage of successor telling girls, "You know, I used to be pope.”

• Picture of pope & Obama sharing chuckle taken after Francis admitted — surprise! — he's Muslim, too!

• For purposes of general housekeeping and upkeep, I wouldn't want a home where the buffalo roam and the deer and the antelope play.

• It says something about America that there are a plethora of erectile dysfunction ads, yet none proposing cures for the cerebral kind.