"Use All The Crayons!" newsletter No. 40

Today's theme ... "Horse"

Newsletter exclusive!!! 

This 24:50 Soundcloud audio is me telling Arnold Palmer stories (Part I of II) on Sirius XM, Road Dog Trucker (special thanks Michael Burns, Radio Nemo Show, managing partner)

Today’s theme: Horse

Colorful Living Tip of the Day …

• The Kentucky Derby is known as the most exciting two minutes in sports. Argue two stingy minutes is not nearly enough. Giving fans their fill means the race should be at least three hours long. How to achieve this? All jockeys must weigh at least 300 pounds!

Read more …“Horse racing needs jumbo jockeys

Related … 

• Haven’t had so much as a cold in years. I'd say I was healthy as a horse if I could verify horses suffer from occasional hangovers.

• Point out that equine proctologists would never dream of looking a gift horse in the mouth.

• Next time you hear a reporter cite a police source swear you heard the reporter say a “police horse,” then hang in there and hope it’s a talking pony.

• Argue that if coral is a stony ocean rock and corral is a pony pen, then corrral should be an oceanic enclosure to keep seahorses.

Random & Unrelated …

• I’m sorry “concentration camp” has negative connotations. I’m often so distracted I could use a couple of weeks in a concentration camp.

• I enjoy hanging with drunks ‘cuz you can tell same joke same way five times in one night and it’s always hilarious. Not so w/sober wife.

• Man, the only animal who spends most of its time stationary on its butt, is also the only animal to spend billions each year on footwear.

• Can't prove it, but I'll wager Superman was the first person to ever say, "I see London, I see France ..."

• It reveals a profound ignorance about my understanding of pharmaceuticals, but I'm surprised iron supplements don't weigh more.

Zeitgust Word of the Week (a word I made up with the goal of getting it into an actual  dictionary) …

Slimitators: Impressionable teenage boys and girls intent on looking like fashionable Hollywood anorexics.

Related blog posts …

“Horsin’ ‘round the ol’ breed barn (from ’10)

I admit this is going to sound sexist, but when I learned what was planned for Rachel Alexander’s future, my first thought was, “That slut!” I don’t know why I’m surprised. It’s the way of the world. Already, the girl really gets around. She got around Pimlico on Saturday in 1:55:08.

(Full story here)

“What California Chrome teaches us abiut race relations (from ’14)

It dismays me once again to be the one to correct the national sporting press for misleading the American public into thinking we’re in the midst of another crisis of bad behavior. Happened again this weekend when sports pundits declared California Chrome owner Steve Coburn, 61, a sore loser for his post-race explosion after the horse failed to win the Triple Crown. Coburn didn’t lose. The horse did. Coburn wasn’t even riding the horse!

(Full story here)

Oddly enough …

“Gator Men 101: Keep head out of gator’s mouth”

Of all the lessons culled from an unintentionally educational jaunt through the Everglades, one noteworthy nugget remains attached to my brain with barnacle-like tenacity: Never, ever party with Gator Man. Refuse his offers of rum, jungle juice and swamp swill. Drink with Gator Man — any gator man — and the consequences could be a loss of a finger, a hand, a limb and rivers of swamp-tainting blood. 

Tourist: “People ‘round here ever get bit?”

Gator Man: “Oh, sure, it happens all the time. We had an old Indian just last week nearly got his head bit clean off.”

Tourist: “Wow! How’d that happen?”

Gator Man: “He was drunk and somebody dared him to put his head in a gator’s mouth. He did and the gator bit him.”

(See full story here)

Concluding words …

• Tell friends at any Derby Day party you’re hoping a horse named “Hoof Hearted”  (say it slowly then say it fast)) competes just so you can hear the announcer exalt, “Hoof Hearted at the turn! Hoof Hearted along the rail! And it’s Hoof Hearted by a nose!”

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