"Use All The Crayons!" ... Pranks, jokes & fools
My most cruel and malicious April Fool’s Day prank was played on an innocent 6-year-old girl. Here’s what happened …
I'll be on Sirius Road Dog Radio, ch. 146, Sunday morning 8:30 Eastern, 7:30 Central. Tune in to hear me and my good friend Michael Burns yap!
Today’s Theme … “Pranks, Jokes & Fools”
(I’m surprisingly light on April Fool’s Day items so to compensate I’ve doubled up on the randoz …)
• Celebrate without fail a lavish Christmas in July. As sacred and satisfying as the holiday can be, we all recognize it could benefit from some tyrannical improvements. Simply shopping for simple Christmas in July presents and decorations and wishing clerks a Merry Christmas in July will spread a welcome jolt of holiday cheer — six full months before the stress. And be sure to remind everyone: only 97 shopping days until April Fool’s in November!
• Foolish mortals! You think you can tell time. Time tells you!
• How did cavemen and women get around that whole no-doors thingie when they wanted to tell a good prehistoric knock-knock joke?
• I’m so non-violent I refuse to tell jokes that include punchlines.
• I enjoy hanging with drunks ‘cuz you can tell same joke same way five times in one night and it’s always hilarious. Not so w/sober wife.
Randoms …
• If a surgeon botches a boob job can they still call it a bust?
• We now have ability to forever preserve visuals that 10 years ago we would have destroyed as being too stupid for anyone else to ever see
• You’ve lived in same small town too long when you realize you're personal friends with all the guys on the highway billboards.
• Daughter, 9, said she wants to go to Amsterdam. Why? Said she thinks it'd be cute. She thinks it's Hamsterdam.
• Global warming will ease when scientists divine a way to get the earth to rotate, not around the poles, but in a rotisserie fashion.
• Divorce rates will plunge when judges have discretion to make especially egregious husbands take maiden names of their ex-wives. #divorce
• Do porcine puppeteers pull hamstrings?
• I’m eager to find a website that archives audios of man’s greatest speeches, but said in the voice of Elmer Fudd. Yes, I have a dweam.
• I become furious anytime I check into a Best Western hotel and can't find "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence" on TV.
• I propose they rename phone book "The Big Book of Names & Numbers of People You Don't Know, Will Never Meet & Will Never Call.”
• What did cavemen call house flies?
• Drinkers who believe their bladders are half empty are pissimists.
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