"Use All The Crayons!" ... Today's Theme: Chicken!
I was flattered to be selected as Latrobe Bulletin Readers “Favorite Local Author.” Here’s the letter to the editor I wrote acknowledging the honor. It is a true honor because in a town this size, they’re not going to give you any praise if you’re an asshole. So it’s today Latrobe, tomorrow, er … Derry!
Today’s theme … Chicken!
• Chickens have breasts. Women have breasts. Women have nipples. Do chicken have nipples? Are chicken nipples some kind of delicacy?
• I’m thinking of opening fast food restaurant that uses really seasoned vegetable oils for fried chicken, etc. I'll call it "Ancient Grease.”
• Chicken fingers are one of America's most popular meals. Yet, chickens have no arms or hands. Something strange happens between farm & table.
• Ham & eggs. Bacon & eggs. Steak & eggs. They roll right off -- and on -- the tongue. How come you never see a menu offering chicken & eggs? Chicken is one of our most popular & versatile dishes. Is there a squeamishness about about consuming a species' circle of life on 1 plate?
• If a diplomatic rooster tries to avert a cock fight is it fair to call him chicken?
• It roams the scenic countryside at leisure. It foregoes reliable sustenance in favor of a roll-the-dice existence. Its sole function is to keep itself energized enough to scavenge another day. God help me, I have the brain of a free-range chicken. And that I take the time to reason out how my brain is like that of a free-range chicken is ample evidence that I have the brain of a free-range chicken.
• I enjoy asking the waitress at the family restaurant if she has chicken fingers and when she says yes, saying, "Oh, you're being too hard on yourself. Sure, they're hideous, but they still appear human.”
• A single Faberge egg may be worth up to $33 million. Greedy collectors crave just one of the 43 known to survive. Not me. Couldn't care less. What do I covet? One Faberge chicken!
• Do brain-eating amoeba tell picky children it tastes just like chicken?
RANDOMS …
• We now have ability to forever preserve things that 10 years ago we would have destroyed as being too stupid for anyone else to ever see.
• It makes me furious that word that's pronounced "Q" is spelled "queue." Someone's messing with Sasquatch.
• Rodell’s Rule of Consumerism: "The crappier/more indifferent the service, the longer the receipt.”
• I’m a liberal who prefers the social company of conservatives as long as they don't talk about conservatism which they can't so that's that.
• Due to technological advances involving titanium joints, the old “shinbone’s connected to the knee bone,” song is losing validity.
Thanks to those of you who recently showed your support by sending cash or the equivalent to me at PayPal, Venmo, 874 Solomon Temple Rd., Latrobe, Pa, 15650).
All Chris’s books can be purchased through www.ChrisRodell.com