"Crayons!" Men & Women
I’ll be defending Fort Ligonier from charmless illiterates for the next three days straight. My mission: sell books. My squad at Second Chapter Books on Main St. will include author Jim O’Brien (renown for his Pittsburgh sports books) and Stan Gordon (renown for his Bigfoot/alien/UFO books) and me, renown for being the guy who’ll sign your book with your favorite crayon. Stop by and be friendly. I’m counting on my friend Stan to bring a steaming plate of Yeti balls (meatballs made from Yeti meat)!
Amazon just logged my 22nd-out-of-22 5-star review of “Evan & Elle.” That’s battin’ 1.000. I revel in these reviews so if you’ve read the book and don’t feel shy about sharing your opinion, amazon’s a great place to review.
Today’s topic: “Men and Women”
• The biggest difference between men and women is women look in the mirror and see flaws ... no one else can detect. Men look in those same mirrors and see perfection ... no one else can detect.
• How would match.com profiles differ if men resumed judging women on how good they'd be around a cow?
• Men are from Mars, women from Venus, but Venus Williams is from Lynwood, California.
• Wonder if guys in heaven talk about earth bodies the way they talk about old cars: "It was bald, had a great big ass, tiny li’l pecker but, man, the thing got great mileage.”
• Someone will one day identify an exclusively male condition in which men convince themselves they alone possess the virility and sex appeal to, if needed, re-populate the entire planet. These men are “egoTESTicle."
• I encourage women considering breast enhancement to at first get just one so it'll appeal to shallow men fond of before/after comparison.
• Chickens have breasts. Women have breasts. Women have nipples. Do chicken have nipples? Are chicken nipples some kind of delicacy?
• I wonder if linguistic confusion is one of the reasons that keep young single heteros from ever getting together. Many single men lust for women who'll "put out" when what they're really after are women who'll put in.
• Do the females who make Elmer's Glue consider themselves Bond girls or would that make them stuck up?
• I remain baffled that the tasteless phrase "wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers" persists. I've never encountered a gent so refined as to ask any cracker-eating female to leave his bed once she got in. In fact, if there were two willing women and one had crackers and the other did not, and he had to pick one or the other, guaranteed, most men would invite the one with the crackers to get in. Lesson: if you're a woman prone to promiscuity always, just in case, keep a sleeve of crackers handy.
Randoms
• I awoke from a dream it was the night before when I'd awoken from a dream it was the night before. Now I'm confused about what day it is, if I'm asleep or awake or if I exist at all. I'd ask fellow quarantinies to pinch me but fear inviting violence could escalate …
• Leonardo da Vinci said, “The human foot is a masterpiece of engineering and a work of art.” Given the scope of his admirations it’s surprising his most famous work is Mona Lisa and not Mona Lisa’s feet.
• I’m a law-and-order guy who believes not until all the laws are equitably applied to all the people can true order ever be enforced or expected.
• Any man who says he's his own worst critic is either single or delusional.
Thanks to those of you who recently showed your support for by sending cash or the equivalent to me at PayPal, Venmo, 874 Solomon Temple Rd., Latrobe, Pa, 15650).
All Chris’s books can be purchased through www.ChrisRodell.com